emma b. says

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

once I was the greatest (for cat power)

and as of now I am imposing a moratorium on cat power, no more love songs, not now, not ever.

but back then, back when I was twenty five, I was something else.

I had two friends tonight exhort me not to be old, and how possibly could I when I only yesterday mastered my laces.

(but I can't help it you see, I have begun to feel old, in that the time that passes I shall never see again, back then, when I was twenty five I scrolled though time as if were it was simply a function of rolling down the other window. In your grandfather's all automatic cadillac, sky blue gun metal gray, just like the rifle he will stick in his mouth, just like the bitterest dutch licorice, just like life. Just like inadvertant gunsmoke and penance. Just like mysterious phone calls and waiting.

waiting for absolutlely nothing at all, standing at attention for absolutlely nothing at all, wilting in the privacy of my centurion bear, tucking into the middle, or burrowing. His voice is not going to be on the far end of the telephone tomarrow, we are not going to laugh while I win at text twist. I will only fortify my silence and quietly choke in the very back corner underneath the back stairs.

but fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.
fuck me and my tender heart anyways, I called on this, cajoled the gods and my monotheist, and I got just what I asked for. A man I love, a man I could love, maybe not forever, but for forever for now. But he left, so he goes, so I go.

The part of me that doesn't want to get drunk and stay that way, says it's too late and it's too late again, says, says remember me, there on the beach with the wind in your hair and beguiled by love, he will take your hand in the late afternoon, or maybe it's your imagination again. maybe all these months you've only been dreaming.

what a lovely dream it was.


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