emma b. says

Thursday, March 01, 2007

A wise man told me tonight, a wise man in the guise of a monster, he told me things fall apart, and just as surely as you had a good long run, something is borne of it, for good or ill, but that will always be the tantalizing question.

Things have very definitely fallen apart, the very gossamer web and the curious radar that has bound me is rent asunder. I cannot say so it goes and so I roll, because that would be a lie. Ever felt like you were nearing an apex or a crux or the point no return, ever been full of heartache, ever been dumped by your best friend, ever given up on principal, ever tried not to hurt and been summarily dismissed, ever sworn off liquor only to purchase a bottle of wine to soothe the keening knots in the stomache, ever wanted to run away. because I am starting to question these ties to geography, maybe I would be better off elsewhere, far from this maddening crowd, tango my way free of these entanglements or just cut the cord.... but the cord I fear has already been severed.

It's one thing to have your heart ripped out by your beloved, it's quite a different bit of breathlessness to be quit for all the varying degrees of reproaches and recriminations that constitute the lifeblood and the lifeline of a friendship that spans a decade and a year. I miss you terribly and it hasn't even been a week. I wish you well, I wish you well.

And in calamity there is also revelation, and for me I think it is that I will need to quit this lovely geography and all of it's sepia memories, as reluctant as I am to cast my gaze from my navel to the practical future, I very reluctantly admit (and fully reserve the right to balk and to fret that nothing could compare, and nothing really could, it might be less lovely and less erudite elsewhere, but that doesn't mean that it couldn't be better) can't forget after all, my small town legacy.

After a twelve year battle with a city I am girding myself to throw in the towel, it's a lot to do with we sparkling glitteratti, we are having are a hard time keeping our shit together, we are watching friends break at the reefs, and those that haven't have gone onto grown up things that continue to mystify with indeciperable vocabularies.

as for me, it's a belated resolution, but I am just going to let go. There is some addage about lambs and lions, and breaking and entering, but I just want to let go, surrender it up, air it out and get lots and lots of sleep. What the hell I can always try to parse it through the din of all tomarrows hangovers. Because the more things change the more they stay the same. I thought about trying to dance Britney Spears a little earlier in the confines of my living room, but my phone is on vibrate for noone, plus I am really fucking tired and part avowed monastic. Right.


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