emma b. says

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

On broads

(for P)

this is gonna require some Ella.

My grandma Jane is the first broad of my acquaintance. Gin swillin, golf playing, diamond wearing faux red head Jane. Jane who left her two sons, my blessed papa, by the side of the interstate in Texas, drove forty miles to turn around to collect her two sobbing, repentant offspring.

Jane who drove the caddy into the side of the house because the "driveway shrank" after a night out at the country club.

Jane who was happily married to Bill for sixty years, the man she lost her virginity to, but who can talk dirty like the best of them.

P pays me high complement when she calls me a broad, and in essence that is what I am.

But mind you, a broad is no floozy, a broad is a lady (a lady with the tongue of a guttersnipe, and wit of as asp)

Broads. The woman swaying like Jane Russel in heels, who can belch like a trucker in the correct company.

And a side note on heels - ladies, ladies, I see far to many of you tripping in your cheap shoes. Lemme impart a trick. Heel, toe, heel, toe. The hips are walking's natural metronome, let your feet set the beat (heel, toe, heel, toe) and your hips are the counter note. rhythm, not dissonance.

As an example, I am wearing this little gray skirt tonight. Cut perfectly to my knees. Ladies, unless you are a twig or a hooker, never wear a skirt cut more than three inches above the knees. And some designer had the bright idea to cut a sort of train into the back of the skirt, which accentuates the shimmy. The skirt shimmies. I was walking down California (heel, toe) and I could see the effect of the skirt, swish, swish, heel toe, swish, swish.

Broads never underestimate the power of the correct garment. Reveal a tasty morsel, never play your hand.

Broads are unabashed, fiercely loyal to other broads. Broads have no need of backstabbling, petty squabbles. Broads, like crows, have an affiniity to baubles, broads like their liquor and can hold it. broads don't cause scenes, they more often than not mediate them.

Broads are closet romantics. You fuck with a fellow broad and you are in deep shit.

side bar to P.
never had the priviledge of having a broad, brotherinarms, thank you.


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