emma b. says

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Portland, day six

I fell in love with a house on Monday, it was, of course, the very first house I saw with the realtor. A green cottage. I thought, auspicious! as I am wearing a green coat! And then a happy brown dog came and nosed me as we were going in, and I thought, perfect! I love dogs and this house has warm vibes!

Then we went in. Charming! Cozy! Just my size! Within budget!!

Because I want it, because it's a house I can wear, I despair that it wont be mine. Also, the twin demons of realism and reason beckon. It was your first day out - I know, but! Your financial ducks aren't quite in a row - I know but! You need a job - I know, but, oh fucklesticks.

Patience beckons from her comfy perch, be steady girl, it will bear out - I know, but!

I know, but!

I have had too much coffee and not enough good sleep.

I have been practicing meditation in that I sit composed while my mind wheels like a pelican on crack.

Part of me is going about my day in SF, walking in the park, buying baked snap peas at Gus' (I can't find them here and that makes me weepy) fussing about my apartment, part of me is caught in the fever of driving forward, driving onward, frustrated by the lack of more lanes in Oregon, beguiled by the coast and the trees, part of me is sitting, here, in the kitchen of my brother's house using up his wifi (hey y'all, I'm not on dial-up! I'm growed!) As the clouds gather, and bright patches of sunlight, as the squirrels wage mortal combat with the crows over the walnuts that thump onto the deck outside my window.

I walked through Laurelhurst park the other day, and the breeze sent the yellow hued leaves downward and slantwise in a soft blizzard. I stopped, others stopped, it was beautiful and cinematic. Almost like, jesus, Nature, what a gorgeous cliche.

Today I am tasked with taking my brother's dying Saab into the mechanic. Then I am on the quest for a perfect rain coat. I have been too idle this morning and my thoughts are working the metaphorical worry beads, also, step away from the coffee! Now I know why I always went down to the cafe for my one cup of coffee, having a full pot at my disposal is making my shoulders creep up to my ears and my heart thrum a little stronger than it ought to.

red rain coat or bust!


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