emma b. says

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Those Troublesome 100 Things

Having naught to do this Wednesday, and having shown up at the office a full hour before I was due to arrive, long story, I have a house elf who is fucking with my clocks. I spent the day skulking on the fringes of other people's blogs, clicking on random links and peering into other people's lives.

Lottsa people have done the requisite "quick, get to know me" one hundred list of superfluous factoids. Some earnest, some snarkified, some with a hundred bulleted points of blah, blah, and blah, blah, bluh, blablahblahhh.

So I thought that we might try, and then we scoffed and mocked ourself, and then I thought, well we might as well try, afterall we needn't publish it...

And so, here goes:
100 hundred things about me, me, mememememmeeeeee!!!!

1. I smoke more cigarettes than are good for me.
2. I didn't start to smoke until I lived in France at sixteen.
3. I can hold my liquor like nobodies business, until I start to list and pitch, and even then I will never be the girl puking in the bathroom, and while I wear it as a badge of honor, I sometimes wonder if it is more of a shame.
4. I have danced on bars in seven countries and two and a half continents, beware and behold my inner exhibitionist.
5. I love to play tennis with mere emma.
6. I often dream that I can breathe under water.
7. I also dream about vampires.
8. I make the world's best potato leek soup - I use a lot of wine and butter.
9. I am my daddy's girl.
10. Human effluvia does not bother me.
11. I can not get out of a bed without making it, this includes four star hotels.
12. if a man brought me home and his bed was unmade I would probably flee.
13. I have a serious hobbit fixation, seriously.
14. other than my hobbit fixation, I am generally not one for science fiction.
15. Viggo Mortenson, George Clooney, Jean Paul Belmondo, James Coburn, Garry Cooper, Mr. Grant.
16. torch songs.
17. having been married, having been divorced, having no regrets for either.
18. my ex-husband, my dear friend.
19. P&M, my lovely friends.
20. especially P who has watched over me, laughed with me, laughed at me, held my hand in NYC when I busted my head open at the Four Seasons, shakes her head at my misadventures, bolsters me wiht sound advice.
21. my marvelous and ridiculously cheap brother.
22. growing up in a small town.
23. leaving the small town
24. all of the men I have loved and broke my heart into a thousand bright and shiney pieces.
25. having enough patience to superglue the shards back together, only to be smashed again.
26. And again.
27. And again.
28. making out in graveyards at sixteen.
29. making love on rooftops at 21.
30. mes tres cheres Poufiasses.
31. my 28th birthday at the Ritz with my lover, tomato water and too many french chefs. Being doused in the shower with champagne.
32. knowing that everyone I have ever really loved, lovers and friends are still my satellites, I have only to pluck them from the sky.
33. cooking for friends.
34. butter, bacon and salt.
35. heaven is the yuba river in July, and scent of granite on my skin, and a glass of wine as the stars rush out and the river hums to itself and the bats ping off the canyon walls.
36. In Northern California the snow tastes of pine needles.
37. My first car, my 71 super beetle, blowing out it's poor entrails on the empty roads between some dirt farmer town and the oregon border while listening to the Breeder's and speeding.
39. Every time I ever waxed philosophic while high on coke, god do I miss that.
40. never having been arrested, or having intimate knowledge of the interior of a jail cell.
41. being able to make tasteless jokes in French.
42. (shit, this harder then I thought)
43. I always say please and thank you.
44. I have been known to be a total bitch, but only to people who know me.
45. The only time I unleash the bitch is when I get bad service in restaurants, the reasons are twofold, first, never mess with my stomach, secondly, I did enough time in that business that I don't cotton to attitude or feckless service.
46. Otherwise I will always tip 20 percent.
48. I heart, heart, heart San Francisco.
49. I decided at thirteen that I would live here, and because I am stubborn and unwieldy, I do.
50. I have lived in San Francisco for twelve years and never cease to be astonished by the views.
51. I have been drinking in the same bar for twelve years, and my long time bartender recently left.
52. I am a creature of habit.
53 I haven't had cable, or any TV reception since shortly after 9/11.
54. which doesn't mean that I am not an NPR junkie, news junkie in general, and vitriolic political amateur.
55. I like New York in June, I like a Gershwin tune.
56. did I mention that I am bitch, but not that kind of bitch....
57. for the last year my mantra has been "fuck and run", just like the Liz Phair song, and I have been largely happy doing it.
58. I really don't like mushrooms, green asparagus or brussel sprouts.
59. I have a particular dislike of butternut squash, yams and cooked carrots.
60. I broke my head open just shy of my 33rd birthday and had to have 15 stitches, I blamed Rummy and Abu Grahib, but really it was the Calvados.
61. I have a penchant for malapropisms.
62. That said, I am having an affair with the English language, heaping affection and sherry on obscure and rotund words.
63. I am cheating on English with French, but I think I am getting away with it.
64. I get full moon fever. Bad.
65. I used to be able to sing, now I only sing in the bathtub.
66. which must be why I take a lot of baths.
67. mere Emma will often make a fuss about fille Emma having perfect pitch.
68. yeah, well, fat lotta good it's done me, other than cringing wildly at une fausse note.
69. it goes without saying that I like sex a lot, but what is surprising is that I relish getting, better and better at it, time passes, I know myself better, and all of those inhibitions like so many pounds of doggerel flesh get exacted. (exactoed?) (If you prick me do I not bleed? - sorry, following a train of thought)
70. I can tell within the hour that I am going to get my monthly.
71. I can tell within the seventy-two hour range when I am ovulating, I am forever perplexed as to how this is not accutely obvious to my fellow sisters.
72. Emma, blessed or not, has a great rack, and I mean great as in sumptuous.
73. This has been a blessing and a curse.
74. but mostly a curse.
75. Emma is not Emma's real name, undoubtedly you know that already.
76. It irks me that I have still not figured out how to make links, but not enough that I would be determined to figure out how it is done.
77. I love muscle cars.
78. and motorcycles.
79. when I was young I wanted to be either a spy or a professional rollskater, sadly I am neither, or am I.
80. I used to wear my mom's tennis outfits while I was making up my professional rollerskater routine in the garage to AM radio Barry Manilow.
81. I do not deny my dorkdom, I embrace it, but I didn't, not always.
82. I turned 25 in Paris, after I had walked the city twice over and fallen in love on a bridge.
83. I hate myself in pictures.
84. I have been told that I am lovely.
85. I still hate myself in pictures.
86. P. says I have my man troubles stem from the fact that I cannot accept my fabulousness.
87. She's right.
88. I have suffered from debilitating bouts of depression, I have thought in those moments that the hairdrier plunged into the bathtub was a viable way out.
89. but that's what therapy is for, and anti-depressants, though I don't take them anymore. I would not hesitate, when I think I might be hovering on the precipice of extinction, jesus get me some happy pills to muddle my way out of this mess.
90. I often dance in my living room.
91. I have tried in vain to teach M to dance, I think it's hopeless.
92. I have been blessed, the powers that be took a shining to me (probably because I am so unfailingly polite) and they have kept my loved ones and myself safe.
93. I absolutley believe in paying it forward.
94. I hate to be touched. That comes with a quantifier...and there are exceptions, but as a rule, being jostled by crowds, or unneccessary hand-holding makes me batty.
95.One of my favorite things is to dine out alone, I have no compunction about 4 star dining solo.
96. I love to vacuum.
97. I love to chop parsley.
98. I hate to chop onions.
99. I know nothing about music, record store intimidate me, if it weren't for my friends I would be living in silence, which is afterall, the most beautful music of all. To this day I am not sure that I could differentiate between the White Stripes and Interpol...
100. I like to sleep, to sleep to dream, the morrows and the tomorrows and the city in my dreams, and how I took flight, and how you loved me so in my dreams, and the sheets and the duvet were complicit, and the pillows became my helmet, and I drowned in you O Morpheus, and I drowned in you.


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