emma b. says

Monday, November 26, 2007

Unrecognizable to myself

There I am buying expensive jeans on my lady of leisure non salary. I am not sure why I make this purchase, but I do.

Here I am buried under two pashminas because it is bloody cold out.

There I am on the sidewalk, talking to home while the rain is pouring down, I have a hat on and gloves, and the hood on my rain coat is flipped up. Have I mentioned how much I hate to have my ears covered, but it's freezing to my californian self and I have relented to wearing a hat. Here I am bitching about the climate on teh internets after such an extended absence, plenty of souls dwell in colder climates afflicted with long bouts of ice and snow, I should really shut the fuck up, hello Montreal denizens!

It's just like anything else, familiarity dons it's appropriate accessories, and I don't have any. I don't have suitable clothes for this climate, and my hair is in need of coloring and cutting, and I am profoundly lonely.

That said I am making friends and meeting really, really lovely people....

And *knocks wood* I think I have bought a house -- details to come possibly, but I am determined not to jinx it, likewise the job I am waiting on.

But jesus, I am tired of being aimless, I need a routine, I need something I can cleave to. I love my brother and bellesoeur to pieces but living with them just delineates the starkness of my aloneness, of my apartness, I think I have lived alone for too long and I can't wait to retreat back to that. It sort of breaks my heart to know that about myself, it sort of breaks my heart that I wake up in the morning and am surprised that no one is there, either.

No one ever said that this was going to be some glorious walk in the park, nobody ever said that it was going to be mad inexpensive to buy a house, sure housing is affordable here, but thanks to the collapse of the sub prime market obtaining a reasonable mortgage is like smoking a fucking rainbow, fuck you Alan Greenspan and fuck you too Countrywide and all the rest of you colossal assholes and your fucking billion dollar write downs....... oh but enough about the flagging economy, the chips will fall where they may, I'll try and be thankful for my reasonable good health, I'll try and be grateful period. I can't go home, I don't have one. I am like a shark in an acquarium, swimming in circles, riding my own wake, becoming increasingly wrathful with each circle, my patience with this little enterprise is waning, I am inclined to start ramming against the glass.

maybe this week will yield some results, if not this week, maybe next week.


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